Panic on the streets of Edinburgh – make your way to Filmhouse Cinema
10:25am This morning citizens of Edinburgh woke to the news that the Scottish Capital has been overrun by a mysterious zombie infection which some are referring to as the rise of ‘Frankenstein’s Army’. Thus far there has been no response from government or military officials and all access to scientific channels have been cut. All that is known for sure is that survivors are making their way to Filmhouse Cinema which is being used as a stronghold For Those In Peril.
10:47am Filmhouse Café Bar has become the unofficial meeting place for survivors and as the box office and bar areas fill up, survivors have been piling into Cinemas 1, 2 and 3 where everyone is being treated… to great films. In response to the event EIFF Artist Director Chris Fujiwara has released a one-line statement: ‘We must protect Martin Bonner’.
11:20am One panicked witness known only as Mister John reports; “Oh Boy, you should have seen it. They were everywhere, man. First you hear a gargling sound, then they Breathe In and Before You Know It the dead start walking, man. As I was escaping the horror I Entered a Garden where my pet turtle, Macao, was buried, one minute he was dead, the next he was Up & Away. He started attacking me but I got away. That was The Last Time I Saw Macao. And I’ll tell you one thing; never underestimate A Turtle’s Rage”.
11:45am We have just received a statement from the military “In the early hours of this morning we discovered a mysterious infection which is now sweeping through the streets of Edinburgh. This has become a matter of National Security. We attempted to contain the virus within the city by establishing road blocks on every major Motorway but as of now only Outpost 3 remains intact. We are advising citizens not to make A Play For Freedom. Instead, head to Filmhouse where you will find food, drinks and loads of fantastic films at great prices”
When asked if there was anything further to add, the spokesperson replied: “We must protect Martin Bonner”.
12:00pm Unofficial reports say that there is a cure for the infection known only as serum ‘36’. To confirm this our researchers have uncovered a file that reveals a similar epidemic took place in Berlin in 1947. This previous outbreak referred to in ‘The Berlin File’ saw the development of a cure which could mean that there is an Old Stock available somewhere. If this is true there certainly isn’t enough to contain the infection today which means the cure will become more valuable than Gold.
12:55pm We have located renowned scientist Dr Lukas Smith aka ‘Lukas the Strange’ who claims to have some inside information regarding the infection.
“The disease infects the body in Six Acts, or six stages, if you will. Once the infection begins to spread the body of the deceased becomes as well animated as the work of animation legend Richard Williams.
Dr Smith, who is the First Cousin Once Removed of someone, says that he has figured out how to make a cure out of readily available household items though he also says that he was twice Struck by Lightning, that everything now smells like Burned Wings and that All Cats Are Brilliant.
1:07pm An unidentified source claims that the a government tactical response team known as ‘The Bling Ring’ are making plans to save the uninfected survivors by temporarily evacuating Edinburgh by way of The Sea. Operation Leviathan, is set to take place on Monday. The date of this evacuation has of course been made to coincide with the end of Edinburgh International Film Festival for fear that the public will refuse to be moved A Long Way From Home before they have had the chance to see all the great films on offer at Best of the Fest this Sunday.
1:34pm The plan to evacuate the city has been confirmed so for now it seems that everyone needs to make their way to Filmhouse on Lothian Road. These are tough times so remember to watch films and Keep Smiling.
Edinburgh International Film Festival (EIFF) today announced the appointment of Mark Adams to the position of Artistic Director.